past_endurance

it's kinda unbelievable. I'm in Warsaw and it's the third day in a row today that I go out in the evening. we go out in a totally not accidental way. we go out for the idealistic reasons of gregarious spending of our time. we drink and talk, talk, talk. so that I'll even have to refrain from making some sarcastic remarks about it.
yesterday I wrote my entrance M.A. exam. half an hour for the translation of this text. I tried hard while translating and at the same time I just didn't care. I was thinking about O. who texted me right before the exam that she wouldn't come to Warsaw for several reasons, all of which I knew were not real (about which I was right, by the way).
basically I'm delighted by the effects of my efforts to spend my time with people since She conducted the action of great humiliation, worrying and slashing me. first, drinking with O. all the week, then accompanied by the cosmic stuff which proved exceptionally attractively accessible, by which I also mean the exceptional attractiveness of the male deliverer whose appearance resembled the Zac character from the "C.R.A.Z.Y." movie. Surrealistic hours, the man, who recorded O. and me saying: "to knock around without seeing the truth", the cemetery with the Orthodox church in the heart of the city and an empty café. O. observing my self-destructive behavior and her anger about the whole situation with Her; anger about her helplessness. Me feeling guilty that I must be going berserk to display my grief in front of other people. My mind completely out of contact with set lines and regular processes, the mode of waiting till it stops hurting me, some emotional huddling to the inside. Don't open your eyes till the smoke that stings your eyes disappears from the sky above Moscow. Meanwhile, She texts me asking whether I'm all right and then telling me She still drinks to the limits, no, far beyond the limits. And honestly, I don't know who I am in this.
A breath at my parents' place and then Warsaw - and lots of people here, one person, then suddenly two, five people. Coffee after coffee, beer after beer. Just let me know about the time and place. Chilly air, early twilight, waiting for the exam results, waiting for Her to text me, waiting for the evening so that I can go out to the city that I'm not afraid of any more. What should frighten me is right inside of me. And at times I get so scared that I feel like taking care of someone, just to distract my attention and feel obliged to keep sure and calm.
Days without Her here in Poland, the days since She decided to become a stranger to me, grow with a wild pace, it's already been a month, a month since She last acknowledged my presence in Her life. It's a distance that makes me uncertain about what was real and what came into being during the last few weeks. But there it was, after all. Or was it? I want to know She's safe. Before the cool wind destroys May, June and July and everything She was to me.