starry curry night

last weekend, postitive energy exploded beyond the frames and spilt through the whole space-time. I basically shot up into the sky.

not to see Mon. for nearly a year, and then to meet her, after so much has happened in my life and when her things are totally different now – and yet to feel that we are just the same for each other.

to start a conversation with a random guy in a club and to shout to him through the loud music all the words my throat is able to produce, and then to raise our mugs of beer as if we have just signed a non-aggression pact with the whole world. to run in the middle of the night, with the cold rain falling on the heads, together with a bunch of people I didn't even know the day before.

to fry apples (antonovkas, of course) with marjoram and to cook rice with curry and almonds for my dear O. – 'case although I am a totally hopeless cook, when I put my heart into this, I become a master.

and on Sunday evening, to keep my fingers crossed for the week to come so hard, to believe so strong that I will get a job and everything will start to brighten up, that I can almost see it happening.

so, keep your fingers crossed – whoever you are – if you are somewhere up there.

silence is scarry.

so good that there's still a bit of road to go, a bit of night to sleep through, before...
I didn't care that so much would change, but now I feel a sudden urge to keep a few old familiar elements to myself. 'cause it seems like everybody else has giant plans before them, great and beautiful ones, while I still can't find job and have no foundation of warmth and sweetness. how am I going to make it throught the fall?
sometimes, when I get stressed out, I start feeling sick.
it will be my first weekend here in the W. city since I can't remember when; a twinge of anxiety.
someone took the summer away, turned off the light, dashed my hope. the room is empty, I'm counting the popcorn balls on the floor and the steps echoing in the distance.

Antonovka sounds like a girl's name

I open my eyes and feel like I've been here since forever. In this small room, in this state of mind. Tension. I'm waiting for something.
I don't hold any grudge against anybody, cause it seems I've forgotten everything. I often go to my parents' place. Illness and job loss have changed everything up there. We barricade ourselves against the world, we bake apples and worry about each other like we have never done before. Each of us tries to cease being a burden to the rest of the family, though nobody would ever admit it.
September afternoons are full of harsh sunlight, chilly wind and long shadows. In the orchard apples are rotting, the low scent brings weird pleasure. Every week I go with my Mom for a walk through those golden spaces, full of heavy trees and overripe fields, and during this one hour or so, all those stupid matters that bring damage to our lives disappear. There is no money shortage and there is no illness.
And greenery is still strong where the soil is full of groundwater. Hard nettle stems and grass thick as fur.
A cat puts its paw over its eyes and falls asleep, lying on the cobbles.
I don't know any more what was before and I have no clue what is coming. But from among all those things that have fallen upon us, it is the late September hours that seem worth being called reality. Worth attention. Worth our sensitivity, about which I am so worried these days.

forgive me.

today life created for me an opportunity which got lost in the probability calculus each time I had even started dreaming of it.
and it was perfect. exactly how I'd wanted it to be.
and I missed it. I pretended not to see it. I walked on, starring at the pavement.
not because I got scared.
not because I recognized it too late.
but because deep in my heart, in my consciousness and in the lack of common sense I don't believe I deserve all the things that could have happened if I had actually taken the chance; don't believe I'm good enough; don't believe my quality suits what I'd like to reach for.
I don't know whether there is a person who judges me so critically, who is so merciless towards me, like me myself.
now I'm begging life for one more chance, so that this time I can protect me from myself.