"I clasp your hand and everything fades away"

It's all because I always wanted things to happen on a grand scale. I don't like moderation, I feel with it like She did when she woke up in the middle of the night, unable to lie or sit still, with a distinct need to walk, jump or run. To act. The average doesn't satisfy me. It's boring and it only highlights what distinguishes what the extreme is about.
That's why I wanted Her so much.* She knows no limits, it's not even that She lives on the very border, She simply jumps over it and rushes ahead. Aren't you afraid of anything? Her immediate response was a no. Then She added some sensible exception in fine print, but in principle, no, She's not afraid. After all, there's nothing larger than life that could happen to Her. Her body already has so many scars that there's probably nothing that could be of a surprise to Her.
The way I live is following the path given. I'm set up, living off my daddy. And She excites me, tantalizes me. She was born free and that's how She's gonna be ever after. Even behind bars.
In fact, She might be the first really free human being I've ever met.

Meanwhile, it's raining down here and we don't go hiking. I'm kind of happy with it as I still feel somewhat damaged and I don't really aspire to fight with my urban ass up there in the mountains. Instead, we went for a walk in the town of Oetz today. I felt a relief when I saw that behind the first ring of bulky Tirol landhauses there are some jaunty modern houses inspired by the Italian style taken from right behind the border. Noncommittal, that's how the buildings are, light, momentary. Why fuck about the values when it hurts and you don't know what's gonna come next, because people I wanted and people who caused pain to me are the very same persons. I don't see the point of making a stand against that shit. Sex and wine seem a much brighter philosophy to me.

I listen to Zemfira, whose music is finally mine, I mean, it's objectively zemifra-esque, not: magda-esque. And it's gorgeous.

O. has the revelations of her own, she writes to me a lot. It seems like she's feeding herself with some bad energy, but that's probably the dark side of intelligence – how should I know. Whenever I, quite honestly, assure her I'm always ready to help, I forget I'm not really able to help her. Her standards are just too high for me. Not that she has a whole lot of troubles, because she probably doesn't. She just seems so complete that it's hard to believe I could ever get inside her in an expert's uniform even to change a stupid bulb. She's cute and I can't resist her magic, but I know there's nothing sensible I could do for her.
It's Tuesday today and if She wants it, I'll be in Warsaw exactly in a week. I'll see Her in a week. Thinking of it is like looking into pitch darkness.

*I still do.