the begger

it would be much easier if you offended me. lied to me. if you raised your voice, made fun of me. if you slapped me across the face.
but it seems you remembered the writer's words well: not acting is also an action in itself. so you just don't do anything at all.
one step forward: i'm gonna say it to you for i can't stand it.
one step back: i ain't gonna say nothing for it would be begging.
i'm humiliated to the marrow, i despise myself.
i say nothing, i can only hear it growing inside of me. and i take another silent answer of yours. i read the dregs to find out its meaning.
my tights are torn, my face is dirty. i don't wail any more, and i don't swing back and forth. i just watch the beautiful lady with her man leaving the church, i fix my eyes on my raised hand and watch carefully while noting falls into my palm.
wondering whether i'll survive the winter.