the main actress

So I did it. I ate so much that I fell ill.
Like every year I've got this funny feeling that my mind is drenched with sentimental afterthoughts, but the physical languorousness successfully prevents me from any kind of contemplation.
...with the exception of thoughts about N., perhaps, who shines at home in the very foreground, completely deservedly. For the first time since she returned she tells her stories from India and shows her shots. Meanwhile she already thinks of her departure in few weeks time – new country and new people again. Lights on her, she is the one to lead the way, it's her stories that will be awaited. A little girl, a great winner. Her eyes exactly the same in the photos taken when she was four years old and now – twenty two years later.
But still, I can clearly see something has faded away in her – maybe it's an effect of the great verification that I had to undergo as well, but perhaps earlier as I left home for the university in other town. The verification of dreams, ambitions and own capacities; rapid trimming of own ideal "self". You feel kind of stripped of the possession that turned out to be nothing more than illusion. You stand on a new ground, already creating new yearnings on the basis of what you're left with. A feeling of a slight impoverishment and great anxiety. Still, both of us intend to do things and go places, although the mere thought of it makes us feel giddy.
I want and don't want to see us this time ten years later. But I do want us to spend Christmas together then.