after my
fitness classes I get temporarily enthusiastic about life, in which I am
similar to a tiny silly kitten with downy fur. I leave the fitness studio and think
to myself that it’s so nice it’s raining, that the streetcar goes so smoothly,
that it’s quite perfect that I got this blender as a gift, because there’s
nothing in the world that I'd like right now more than a glass of banana and kefir shake. then
I get hungry and I start to – quite naturally – eat: lunch, raspberries, peanut
butter. until I feel heavy, almost sick. which is when my enthusiasm is gone.
but before I start eating, while I’m still naturally high, these are the moments of the positive balance. it’s when I look at people less critically, when I see clearly how the majority of my everyday thoughts concentrate on myself; my self-analysis is so deep and continuous that it exceeds the need to act outwards, to express, to establish contacts.
I am a classical type of an introvert – a fan; I pick people whom I admire – usually there is a social distance between us that makes it impossible to build any relation between us. I watch them from this distance, not like a stalker does, rather like a supporter. I read them and I listen to them, I let the stimuli inside me, I internalize them, I let them sink slowly where they fit. usually, no articulated feedback comes out afterwards.
at the same time, my usual
everyday relations with people, the fully reciprocal ones, make me feel out of
place and mismatched. almost all
relations that I have feel like they were imposed. they are based on habit, not
on emotional and mental depth.
hence, my
real relations are unimportant; superficial; replaceable -- while the ‘relations’
that actually are just my mental construct, an observation of someone’s
existence that provokes dialogue with myself – so, de facto, not proper relations, but
perceptions – bear depth, importance, emotional force. they have a formative
effect on me, while the real relations seem to pass me by, don’t even touch me.
I remember in
high school I dated a girl who was surprised to see that I treat music very
seriously. today I see that the energy with which I internalize music that
impresses me, dramatically exceeds the depth and permanence of my relationships
with people – including that very girl. letting people go comes surprisingly easy
to me – except two girls for whom I developed love that was stronger than my
fascinations, my passions, even my grand-scale self-analysis.
so it looks
like I have to attend aerobics class more frequently – or eat more chocolate /
have regular orgasms / take opioids – anything that will keep my endorphins
level high.
otherwise I’ll
spend the rest of my life as a lonesome fan of Zemfira.
